Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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