My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
