I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
