I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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