I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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