Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
