i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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