A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm too high and old for this...
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