The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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