I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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