when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
