I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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