my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
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Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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