I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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