Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
