I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
