I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
