you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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