masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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