M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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