Quick, to the slutcave!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
