your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
