While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
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We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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