i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
