dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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