my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
