he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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