I think i peed on brittanys purse
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
