There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
