Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
