Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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