you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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