He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
