She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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