just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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