I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
