I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
