If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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