I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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