Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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