"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
