this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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