all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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