I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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