I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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