You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
