my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
