His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
