ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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