We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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