got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
