Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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